


Collapsed

by RensSaxophone



Category: Uta no Prince-sama
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-29
Updated: 2020-04-29
Packaged: 2021-03-01 23:39:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 16,924
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23905546
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RensSaxophone/pseuds/RensSaxophone
Summary: There's a lot of medical things in this, and a serious injury. It's a rewrite of a different fic I'd taken down but like, three times as long and at least slightly better researched.
Relationships: Ichinose Tokiya/Kurosaki Ranmaru
Kudos: 9





	Collapsed

Tokiya had two partners- entirely separate from each other, though they both knew of the other. 

He had been with Ranmaru for the longest. 

Five years ago he had been hospitalized, because he had gone overboard during a show and had broken his ankle, but had continued until the show had finished. The doctor that had taken over his case had been Ranmaru. 

And then, after Tokiya had been released, he had met Ranmaru again, at a restaurant, and had stopped to say hello. The proper introduction had led to drinks, which had led to meet-ups which finally had led to dating. 

Then- Tokiya met Rika. 

She was a sweet girl. A stage hand on a set that Tokiya had acted on, and she had approached Tokiya after the last show to confess. 

Normally, Tokiya would have said no. And technically- he did. He had told her that he was currently dating someone, but she had insisted that he still think it over, and he did. If he had met her somewhere else, he may like her. She was a bit clingy, and a bit possessive, especially considering Tokiya _wasn’t_ hers… but she was also very caring. 

And Ranmaru worked a lot- twelve hour days, usually five days a week, depending on the time of year. There were times where his schedule was slower- ten hour days for three or four days, or twelve hours for three, but when it got busy, it got _busy_ , and Tokiya was _lonely_ , between Ranmaru’s work and his own. 

That’s why he brought up the idea to Ranmaru, of having multiple partners. 

Ranmaru wasn’t interested in Rika.

Ranmaru wasn’t interested in _girls_ , he told Tokiya. 

But if Tokiya really liked her, and Tokiya could handle two relationships at once without either becoming toxic, Ranmaru didn’t mind. 

“But if it gets bad, Toki, ‘m gonna make you choose.”

“I have no doubts that if it gets to that, Ran, my choice will always be you.”

Tokiya would still say that. He’d swear it, up and down the wall- because Ranmaru was his dream partner. But having Rika, who was an _available_ partner, was nice, too. 

Of course, he was quiet to Ranmaru about the way she sometimes treated Tokiya. She was demanding and jealous, even of Ranmaru. Tokiya only overlooked it under the circumstance that she say nothing to Ranmaru. She also made it clear, whether it be on purpose or accidental, that she enjoyed Tokiya’s status. Maybe a bit more than she enjoyed Tokiya. 

But at the end of the day- Tokiya could handle it. He felt the benefits outweighed the disadvantages, and he dealt with it. Ranmaru never noticed anything amiss because when Tokiya was with Ranmaru, he was happy. When he was with Rika, he could feign content. It was fine. 

And then Tokiya had found himself being led behind a building, the tip of a knife pressed to his lower back. It wasn’t dark outside yet, not completely, but the sun was setting and it was freezing outside. Most people were in their cars, or inside of their houses. It was easy to hide the knife with a long coat sleeve, and the three men didn’t gain enough attention. 

Tokiya had two attackers, both men larger than he was. Tokiya knew some self-defense, but not enough to get out of this situation. He believes he was trained what he could do in a similar situation- a mugging, but that was with one person and the trainer wasn’t really threatening him. And, of course, Tokiya’s fight or flight had kicked in, and with the only thing at stake being his own life, his reaction was flight. That wasn’t an option. 

The rest of the situation flies by in a blur. He offers everything he has- and they take his wallet, tossing out his ID card and pocketing the rest. They take his phone, to throw it against the ground and one man grinds it under the heel of his heavy boot. 

They forgo the knife, but to say that they rough Tokiya up would be an understatement. They seem to get enjoyment, watching their blows land. Tokiya tries, at first, to block the hits, but eventually one man holds him and the other man uses Tokiya’s body as a punching bag. 

When the man finally lets him go, Tokiya collapses to the ground. The only thing keeping him awake, conscious and aware is the pain. 

As a parting gift, the man with the heavy boots, the same one who had ground his phone into the ground, stomps down hard, directly on Tokiya’s chest. 

An incredible, shooting pain goes through Tokiya’s chest- and he can immediately _feel_ his ribs crack. It feels as if something in his chest moves, or shifts, and Tokiya doesn’t know exactly what it was- but he had lost his breath when the man had struck him and he has yet to be able to properly regain it. 

Tokiya can hear the men, talking quietly amongst themselves as they leave. Tokiya can feel himself beginning to lose consciousness, but with the last of his fleeting adrenaline he reaches for his phone, cracked beyond repair. To his immense relief, it still turns on. He cuts his thumb, swiping over his screen, but he manages to dial an emergency number. 

His information is vague, and hardly comprehensible, but they manage to track his phone to send an emergency vehicle. Tokiya is already out by the time it arrives. 

When Tokiya wakes up, there’s a numb, disorienting pain radiating through his body but all leading back to his chest. Tokiya has to blink against the painfully bright light, making the dry feeling in his mouth worse, but he takes in where he is. He wants to move, to try to get up, but he doesn’t have the energy for it. 

The room is empty, but one of the chairs isn’t aligned with the others, hinting that someone had recently been there. Tokiya notices something on the tray, right next to his bed, and he reaches for it. He immediately recognizes the sleek, black flip-phone, and the pink sticky-note on it falls onto Tokiya’s lap. 

Tokiya had been careful not to move much, but when he goes for the note, he can’t help but notice the tube in his chest, and it takes him a moment to keep himself calm. He knew the chest tube was to help him- not that he was sure _why_ he needed it- but the sight made him sick. 

His mask he was wearing for oxygen was awfully heavy duty, too. 

When he reads the note, he recognizes the writing style and identifies the note as Ranmaru’s before reading the signature. 

“Toki

when you wake up call the nurse  
when youre all taken care of call me

Ran”

Tokiya honestly wanted to call Ranmaru first, but he’d keep himself from it, because he could already visualize the lecture he’d receive. Instead, he focuses on finding the button to call the nurse, finding it on the side of his bed. It’s only a moment later that a nurse comes in. 

He’s fussed over for at least a half an hour- but when he’s finally left alone again he’s gotten a cup of water with the instructions to drink it slowly, a promise that a doctor would be here to explain everything soon, an extra dose of pain medication and a plastic tube that gave him oxygen through his nose in replacement for the bulky mask. 

Tokiya calls Ranmaru as soon as the nurses are out of the room. 

It takes a few rings, but Ranmaru answers. “Toki?”

“Ran.” Tokiya’s voice is strained. It isn’t easy to speak, but he can manage. 

“Thank God. You already called the nurses, right?”

“Yes.”

“Good. ‘M not gonna keep you talkin’ long, alright? ‘Ve just gotta finish up with this patient ‘n I’m gonna be right back there.”

“Okay.”

“Try ‘t rest. I’ll be there in about twenty minutes.” 

Ranmaru hangs up the phone before Tokiya can keep talking. 

The doctor comes in before Ranmaru does- though halfway through the doctor’s speech, Tokiya does notice that Ranmaru’s waiting outside. 

The doctor had explained to him that he was heavily bruised, and most of his ribs were fractured. The tube came from his collapsed lung that was caused by the trauma to his chest. He had been out for nearly four days- and on the second day he had surgery because the first chest tube hadn’t helped the collapsed lung. 

The doctor explains that the case was severe enough that he was looking at another week and a half in the hospital, but if the tube did its job, it would be taken out after four or five days of having it in. 

Tokiya was already sick of being in the hospital, before the doctor had even finished his explanation of what was wrong. 

When the doctor excuses himself, Ranmaru enters the room- and Tokiya can see them nod at each other as they pass. 

Tokiya manages a weak smile at Ranmaru when Ranmaru enters, but there’s a too-serious expression on Ranmaru’s face, even as he pulls the already close chair just a bit closer to the side of Tokiya’s bed. 

“I’ve got-”

“A collapsed lung and some fucked up ribs.” Ranmaru sighs. “I know.”

“What hospital-”

“You’re not at mine.” Ranmaru keeps cutting Tokiya off, but Tokiya isn’t sure that he minds. The pain medication is making it easier to talk, but he’d prefer keeping his sentences short. “You’re at the closest hospital ‘t where they found you at, so we’re pretty far from the apartment.”

“But you’re here?” Tokiya’s eyebrows furrow. His face aches- and he’s sure it’s bruised all to hell, too. But it wasn’t included in his list of severe injuries, so that was good. 

“I pulled a couple ‘a strings. ‘S long as you’re here, ‘m just doin’ ER work downstairs. ‘M not allowed ‘t treat you, since we’re dating- but I know your doctor ‘n he told me what he’s doin’ about your condition.” Ranmaru’s face darkens. “Told me ‘bout what they think happened, too.”

“I was mugged.” Tokiya says quietly. 

“Yeah. Said that your injuries matched.”

“I don’t remember what they look like.” Tokiya’s voice is miserable. 

Ranmaru sighs. “Don’t worry ‘bout that right now, okay? I’d love ‘t see those fuckers pay for this, but right now your health is what matters.”

Ranmaru spends the next few hours with him, watching whatever show Tokiya pulls up on the television in the room and making dumb comments that amuse Tokiya more than the show does. 

Over the next two weeks, Ranmaru typically eats lunch with Tokiya in his room- though it often consists of Tokiya trying to pawn off food they’d given him to Ranmaru and Ranmaru pushing it across the table, right back to him. Ranmaru often ends up taking his breaks with Tokiya, and there have been a few times that Ranmaru’s slept in Tokiya’s room. 

Tokiya had a single room, and the curtain was almost always drawn- to protect his identity as an idol. He appreciated that. And he thinks Ranmaru did, too. It was easier to spend time with Tokiya when it was only Tokiya. 

Ranmaru wasn’t Tokiya’s only visitor. 

Rika came by often- and usually when she stopped by, Ranmaru would leave, if he were there. Rika seemed to take offense to this, and Tokiya had to step in and assure her that he only left to give them time together. It was nothing against her. Rika often asked Tokiya when he was going to get out- and if he couldn’t get out any sooner. She asked when he was expected to go back to work, too. 

Tokiya’s other visitors were his bandmates. The most common were Ren and Otoya. They visited almost as often as Rika did, and sometimes together. 

Masato sometimes came with Ren, but seldom alone, though he had once or twice. Cecil usually tagged along with Natsuki and Syo, and Tokiya thinks that Cecil may have been frightened, because Tokiya still had the chest tube in during Cecil’s first visit and Cecil almost seemed ready to cry. Tokiya took it the way he was sure he was meant to- Cecil was concerned. 

Rika had been in the room when Ranmaru went in to speak with Tokiya- and Ranmaru hadn’t asked her to leave, so she didn’t. 

“Toki.” Ranmaru moves a different chair closer. Tokiya can see Rika’s expression flicker, but he chooses to ignore it. Ranmaru has the air of seriousness about him again. “I know you’re set ‘t be released tomorrow.” Tokiya becomes silent, his look cautious. “‘N I know you wanna be outta here, but I want ‘t ask you to stay longer.”

“...How much longer?” Tokiya asks his question slowly, but he notices Rika tense up. 

“A week.”

“...And you’re _asking_ me? If I said I didn’t want to, I could still go home tomorrow.”

Ranmaru sighs, rubbing at his eyes. “Yeah. ‘M asking you.”

“Then I’ll stay.” 

Rika’s jaw sets, but Tokiya is more focused on the look of relief on Ranmaru’s face. Tokiya could understand where Ranmaru was coming from. Tokiya had been complaining of chest pain, and the nasty cough he had gotten was powerful enough to consistently knock the plastic breathing tube off of his face. “Thank you.”

Ranmaru kept up his appearances, though Rika’s were lesser over the next week, and everytime she did visit she seemed to speak a lot of Tokiya’s idol work. She brought up a lot of ideas of how he could start to reorient himself, when he got back home. 

Tokiya hadn’t said anything to Rika, but Ranmaru had been speaking of what would happen when Tokiya got back home, too. 

Ranmaru had taken some time off of work, to take care of Tokiya. He had let Tokiya know that just because Tokiya was out of the hospital didn’t mean that Tokiya was fine. He was going to have to be cared for- and likely for quite some time. 

Tokiya definitely hadn’t told Rika about Ranmaru’s reaction to Tokiya when Tokiya brought up his work. 

“Ran?” Ranmaru’s eyebrow raises, not yet suspicious. “How long do you think it’s going to be before I can work again?”

Ranmaru’s face turns almost wary. “Toki-” His voice is slow, and careful. “You’re really hurt, and your job is _real_ physical. You’re gonna be on some type ‘a oxygen for the rest ‘a your life. I dunno that I’d recommend that you ever go back- but if you do, it’s not gonna be for a while.”

Tokiya gets quiet, and his voice is hardly audible when he finally speaks. “Okay.”

When Tokiya’s release day came around, Ranmaru and Rika were both in the room when Tokiya’s active doctor explained what Tokiya’s aftercare would be. 

Tokiya had already been taught specific breathing exercises- and Ranmaru had been assigned to teach him them. Ranmaru had joked with Tokiya that he was allowed to teach Tokiya how to breathe, but that was the extent of medical care he could give Tokiya in the hospital. Tokiya rolled his eyes. 

The rest of the instructions seemed to mostly be for whoever would care for Tokiya. 

He had an oxygen tank that he would be required to wear during the day for a few months, at least. He’s going to be sent home with a machine and a mask that he has to wear at night- and that’s likely going to be for the rest of his life. The last breathing equipment he’s sent with is a mask with a handheld pump- meant to be held over Tokiya’s mouth and used by someone else if Tokiya has an inability to breathe. If Tokiya gets bad enough to need to use the mask, medical personnel need to be called and Tokiya needs to be taken to a hospital. 

Tokiya was required to take it easy for at least a few weeks. Nothing to speed up his heart rate or breathing. 

Despite the fact that Ranmaru must have known all of these already, he’s listening intently. Rika doesn’t seem to be paying much attention. Ranmaru doesn’t miss that. 

When the doctor leaves the room, promising that the nurse will return shortly to give Tokiya his discharge paperwork, Ranmaru turns to speak to Rika. His voice is low, but Tokiya can tell he’s annoyed- but is trying to contain it. For Tokiya’s sake. 

“Think it’d be best if I took care ‘a him for the first few weeks.” 

Rika’s temper was nothing like Ranmaru’s- but her jealousy was a different story. It was a difficult thing, considering Tokiya’s sexuality and the fact that she couldn’t discount men or women. 

Sometimes Tokiya wondered why exactly she agreed to a polyamourous relationship. 

Ranmaru wasn’t the jealous type. 

“Are you implying that I couldn’t take care of him?” Rika sounds offended. 

“Yeah.” Ranmaru’s jaw tightens. “I am. Tell me half ‘a what the doctor just said ‘t do.” 

“Please don’t argue.” Tokiya interrupts weakly. He doesn’t think that Rika would have given the right answer, and that’s confirmed both by Ranmaru’s exasperated glance, and Rika’s thankful one. Tokiya isn’t sure that he was right to save her. “I’ll spend at least the first week or two with Ran, and then we can see what happens from there.” Rika’s look is replaced with an offended, almost hurt look, and Tokiya speaks quickly. “He’s a doctor.” Tokiya reminds her gently. “ It’s nothing against you.”

Rika huffs, but she seems contented by Tokiya’s answer. The nurse enters, holding the paperwork. 

Tokiya is immediately relieved, being home. Of course, Ranmaru had been insistent on Tokiya walking no more than a few steps- going so far as to borrow a wheelchair from the hospital. “I’m sure I could walk the few feet from the car to the door, Ran.” Tokiya sighs. 

“We’ll worry ‘bout that later. You’re a day outta the hospital.”

“That I stayed in a week longer than I needed to.”

“Toki, if it were nothin’ more than me bein’ overprotective, the other doctor wouldn’t ‘a approved it. Keepin’ you longer was the right call.”

Ranmaru parks the wheelchair inside, by the couch, and he locks the wheels and removes the oxygen tank from its spot nestled in the netting behind the chair. “Get on the couch. ‘M gonna bring in the equipment.”

Tokiya doesn’t respond, but he does move to the couch. He isn’t overly enthusiastic, about getting out of laying around in the hospital to lay around on the couch- but at least here he could properly sit. And the tube was out. It had been out, for nearly two weeks- but the thought itself still came as a relief. 

It took nearly ten minutes for Ranmaru to bring everything in, and another ten to set it up. Ranmaru keeps the pump on a table near the door, and he’s set up the night monitor over Tokiya’s side of the bed. He stops behind the couch to ruffle Tokiya’s hair before continuing into the kitchen. Tokiya gives an over dramatic sigh, but accompanies it with a wince. It wasn’t as painful as it had been, but he was still unbelievably sore. More sore than he had even been in his life. 

Tokiya gives Ranmaru about ten minutes, and then he stands. He considers removing the tubing from his nose, to avoid lugging the tank, but in the end decides that he’ll get off on a lighter lecture if he brings his oxygen with him. He manages to stand, undetected, for at least a minute, watching Ranmaru cook. Ranmaru seems to be making a lighter meal- nutritional as usual. Ranmaru was a good chef as it was, and between his cooking skills and his medical skills… Tokiya considered himself lucky that he enjoyed healthy food. 

Although, Ranmaru food was undeniably good- as healthy as it usual was. If he ever decided to stop being a doctor, he could definitely be a cook. 

Or a bassist. 

Tokiya absolutely loved listening to him play. Maybe he’d ask Ranmaru to play for him later- if he survived this encounter.

Tokiya doesn’t announce his presence- Ranmaru turns around and sees him. Ranmaru’s eyes narrow, and Tokiya manages a sheepish smile. 

Ranmaru takes a step closer, pointing to the living room with the wooden spoon in his hand. “Couch.”

Tokiya’s smile drops, giving something akin to a pout. “I’ve been laying down for three weeks, Ran. Inside is _stifling_.”

Ranmaru pauses, just for a second, and then gives an exasperated sigh. “If you go back ‘n sit on the couch while I finish cookin’, we can eat outside on the patio.”

“You promise?”

Ranmaru rolls his eyes, brandishing his spoon. “I promise. Now go sit down.” 

Tokiya finally listens, moving to sit back on the couch. He could turn on the television, but he chooses to listen to the noises Ranmaru is making in the kitchen as he cooks instead. It’s less than fifteen minutes later when Tokiya can hear the kitchen chairs scraping against the tile, and the sliding door to the patio being opened. 

They had one cat- a black cat that had sat herself on Tokiya’s feet, up until Ranmaru opened the door. As soon as it opened she had shot herself further in the apartment, to stake out _her_ patio. 

She was three years old- a cat they had gotten together just a bit over two years ago after finding her as a stray. She was clearly abandoned, but young enough that she had taken to them almost immediately. Tokiya wasn’t necessarily a cat person, but even he couldn’t just _leave_ her. 

In the end, they had decided to call her Misty. Tokiya had insisted on Fluffy- because she was easily startled and fluffed up easily, but Ranmaru had set his foot down on that one. Floof was also denied. 

“Oi! Get off ‘a the gate!” Tokiya didn’t need to see Ranmaru _or_ Misty to know exactly what was happening. The patio was fenced in- a strange choice made by the apartment with no say from Tokiya or Ranmaru, but there was a small gap at the top of the fence that Misty often tried to slip through. She enjoyed being outside, but they had to stop letting her onto the patio by herself because if she managed to squeeze herself out, she got stuck. There had been a few times where Tokiya had been woken up by Misty, meowing just outside of the gate because she hadn’t been able to worm her way back in. 

Tokiya could easily picture Ranmaru, catching the cat to get her back on the right side of the patio. 

A moment later, Ranmaru enters the living room. 

“I don’t have to get back in the wheelchair, do I?”

Ranmaru clicks his tongue. “Y’didn’t use it ‘t go into the kitchen.”

Tokiya gives a sheepish smile. Ranmaru still helps Tokiya stand, and ensures that he sits, as soon as he gets to the chair set up on the patio. 

Ranmaru steps back inside to get the food, and Tokiya watches Misty. She’s noticed a bug, flying around on the other side of the gate, and her tail has puffed up, and she’s chittering. It was one of Tokiya’s favorite things, to watch her ‘hunt’. 

They may not have sought her out, but just having her made Tokiya’s chest feel warm. Knowing that he and Ranmaru had both made the decision to take her in together- she was the closest thing they’d ever likely have to a child, but Tokiya preferred pets over kids. 

Tokiya is distracted from his thoughts by Ranmaru, holding a plate out to Tokiya. It isn’t a large portion, but even then, Tokiya doesn’t manage to finish it. Ranmaru takes Tokiya’s plate when he’s done, and leaves Tokiya outside while he cleans up from dinner, but Tokiya pulls out the puppy-dog expression when Ranmaru comes back to take Tokiya inside. 

“It’s gettin’ dark, babe.”

“It’s still partially light out. A few more minutes won’t hurt me.” Tokiya doesn’t actually mean to beg- but the tone in his voice makes it clear that he is. 

Ranmaru’s eyebrow raises, but when Tokiya doesn’t back down, he sighs. “Y’get a half ‘n hour. Then we’re goin’ in.”

Tokiya reaches out, to hold onto Ranmaru’s hand with both of his. “Thank you, Ran.”

“Yeah, yeah. But your hands are fuckin’ freezing. I’m gonna go get you a blanket.”

Ranmaru makes Tokiya bundle up in one of the blankets from the couch, but he gives Tokiya the half an hour outside, and Tokiya gives him less of a hard time going in after that. 

“‘S it time to lay down?” Ranmaru asks, leading Tokiya with a gentle hand on his waist. 

“I actually had one last request.” Tokiya’s face goes just a bit red. “I know I’m awfully demanding.” Ranmaru’s eyebrow raises, his face almost a bit wary. “Will you play something for me?” 

Ranmaru’s face softens, and he clicks his tongue but it’s a light, almost amused noise. “I guess I could do that.”

Ranmaru settles Tokiya back onto the couch, disappearing just for a moment to grab his bass from the bedroom. 

Tokiya leans into the couch as Ranmaru settles on the other side of it, to give himself room for the instrument- and Tokiya watches him earnestly. His favorite part of being around while Ranmaru played his bass was seeing Ranmaru’s face. Ranmaru was an excellent bassist, and it was clear how happy the hobby made him. As Ranmaru plays, Tokiya lets himself close his eyes. 

He doesn’t even notice when the music stops, though he does rouse somewhat when the tubing in his nose is removed and he’s lifted. Ranmaru fixes the sleep mask over Tokiya’s nose and mouth, and Tokiya’s already falling asleep again as Ranmaru presses a kiss to his forehead.

Two weeks pass quickly, and Ranmaru hovers over Tokiya through most of it. 

There were advantages and disadvantages of Ranmaru being a doctor. 

The advantages were Tokiya’s peace of mind, knowing that if something went wrong, Ranmaru knew what to do. And Tokiya had things to work on, because Ranmaru was focused on rest _and_ rehabilitation. 

The disadvantages were that Tokiya couldn’t push himself, because Ranmaru could tell when he was. And on days when Tokiya felt worse, Ranmaru could see through it, and they wouldn’t get much work in that day. And, of course, Ranmaru followed every instruction to the T. There were no shortcuts. 

But Rika had been reaching out continuously to Tokiya, to try to see about Tokiya going to her home. 

The timelines would end up matching up, when Ranmaru goes to Tokiya, already frowning. “It sounds like they need me at work.” Ranmaru’s voice is grim. 

“You are one of their best doctors.” Tokiya smiles. “Rika’s been asking about seeing me, anyways.”

An openly uncertain expression crosses Ranmaru’s face. “‘N just how is she thinkin’ about doin’ that?”

“She’d like me to go over to her home.”

“‘N does she realize the work that’s gonna take? You’ve got a lotta equipment and you need all of it.”

“I’m sure she’s aware.”

Ranmaru’s jaw tightens. “I would rather you be with someone, than by yourself.” He sighs, running his hand over his face. “You know how things should go. If she’s not doing things right, let me know.”

“I will.”

“...If you need anythin’, Toki, I want you ‘t call me. If _anything_ happens. Whether you think it’s a big deal or not. I’d rather leave early ‘t take care ‘a you than ‘t have somethin’ bad happen. I know you’re _acting_ like you feel better, but you’re not healed. It’s not gonna take very much to reaggravate your injuries.”

“I’ll let you know.” Tokiya promises. “If anything happens, I’ll call you.”

The next day is the first day that Ranmaru returns to work- and he ends up staying as late as he can, assuming that Rika would be showing up, but he eventually has to leave. He kisses Tokiya’s forehead. 

“Stay safe.” Ranmaru mumbles. “And call me if she doesn’t show up.”

Tokiya nods, choosing not to tell Ranmaru that she wasn’t going to come. She had insisted that Tokiya make his own way to her- so Tokiya would be driving himself. 

Tokiya waits until Ranmaru is gone, and then he begins to pack his things into the car. It takes thirty minutes, not including the two breaks he had to take, and he’s breathing heavily by the time he finally sits in the car. He’s exhausted, by the time he gets to Rika’s apartment. 

When he heads inside, he only brings in his oxygen tank. He can’t even begin to imagine lugging up his sleep monitor right now. 

Throughout the night, Rika speaks a lot of his work. 

She speaks about how STARISH hasn’t released anything together since his incident- and Rika shows Tokiya tweets, from fans that are disappointed in his absence. 

Comments telling him that he owes it to them to return- that he’s already taken too much time off. That his job isn’t difficult to need this much time off, and that if he needs more, he should come out and explain what happened. 

It genuinely pisses Tokiya off- but he doesn’t say anything. He doesn’t want to fight with her, and God is he tired. 

That night he sleeps with his oxygen tank, forgoing the mask. He’s woken up in the middle of the night and is sent onto the couch. 

His labored, heavy breathing had been keeping her up. 

Tokiya just listened, going to the couch. He’s woken up at five the next morning, to go back to his car. Tokiya has to sit in the driver’s seat for a long moment, trying to wake himself up. 

She didn’t like Tokiya being alone in her house. Not for his sake- like with Ranmaru, but because she didn’t like leaving him with her stuff. He had stopped getting offended over it a long while ago. 

When Tokiya gets back home, he notices that Ranmaru’s car is in the driveway. Tokiya climbs out of his own car, leaving everything but his tank. He’s breathing so heavily that it’s borderline painful. He couldn’t have brought in his monitor if he tried. 

When he gets inside, he moves onto the couch. He’s still completely exhausted- it was hard to fall asleep when you couldn’t breathe, and that was the majority of last night. He had been asleep for less than an hour when he was kicked onto the couch, and he couldn’t have gotten more than two after that. Tokiya was used to sleeping nearly ten hours a night lately. No more than three made him feel like he was dying. 

Tokiya had just fallen asleep when he’s woken up, and he blinks rapidly, trying to wake himself up as Ranmaru lifts him. 

“You shouldn’t sleep without your mask.” Ranmaru’s voice is a grumble, but Tokiya can hear the concern. “The tank doesn’t work right for sleeping. Even for naps.” Ranmaru moves to the bedroom, lying Tokiya down in the bed to tuck him in. 

“I shouldn’t go back to sleep.” Tokiya mumbles, rubbing at his eyes. 

“If you’re tired, you should sleep. When you’re sick, you’ve gotta listen to your body. Where’s your monitor?”

“It’s in my car.” Tokiya mumbles. “You should just leave it. Rika wanted me to go back over tonight, anyways.”

Ranmaru’s face is careful, and his jaw tightens. “I noticed your car missin’ earlier. So you drove there?”

“Yes.”

“‘N lemme guess- _you_ put all of your shit in the car?”

“...Yes.”

“‘N she’s expectin’ you to get yourself back over there again tonight, huh?”

“Yes.”

“Why’re you home so early?”

“She doesn’t like it when I’m in her apartment without her there.”

Ranmaru’s jaw sets, and Tokiya opens his mouth to try to say something- maybe in defense of Rika, but he breaks into a coughing fit, severe enough to lift him into a sitting position. Ranmaru frowns, waiting until Tokiya’s done coughing, and then he rubs Tokiya’s back. His voice is wary.

“Did you even sleep with your mask last night?”

“...No. I didn’t.”

“Yeah.” Ranmaru huffs. “I can tell. Your breathing is shit, Toki.” His frown is deep. “I’m gonna go grab the monitor. You obviously need more sleep ‘n your already straining yourself enough as it is. ‘M takin’ today off. If you wanna go back, I’ll take you myself ‘n fuckin’ make sure you’re set up right.”

“Ran, you don’t-”

Ranmaru’s stern look cuts Tokiya off. “Tokiya. I fucking hate how you take care ‘a yourself normally- but ‘m not gonna give ya leniency ‘t destroy yourself when you could seriously hurt yourself doing it. This isn’t somethin’ like overworking yourself and getting sick- you could lose your life. What happens if your lung collapses again? Your pump’s in the car, right? That’s not gonna be much help if somethin’ happens right now. I told you that you’re my first concern and I mean it. I’m not playin’ around with your health. They’ve got other doctors at the hospital. If I leave now, you’re alone.”

Tokiya stays silent, and Ranmaru uses the pause to leave the room. A few minutes later, he returns, carrying the monitor with him. He sets it up, fairly quickly, and as soon as it’s ready, he removes the tubing Tokiya’s wearing to switch it with the mask. Ranmaru fiddles with the machine, turning it up to a higher setting. 

Tokiya hadn’t even realized how painful the pressure building up in his chest had gotten until it was relieved. Tokiya’s reminded of a fish being thrown back into the water. Ranmaru’s expression is grim, but he runs his hand through Tokiya’s hair. “Get some sleep. I’ll make you some lunch later.”

Tokiya lets his eyes close. Without his difficulty breathing, his exhaustion is back full force. 

Tokiya sleeps for hours, and Ranmaru waits for him to wake up by himself. Tokiya fumbles with the mask, before Ranmaru stops him. 

“You’re still breathin’ too heavy. Leave it on for a little while longer.” Tokiya looks at him, his eyebrows furrowing, and Ranmaru shakes his head. “Leave it.” His voice is sterner. Tokiya leans further back into the pillows, dropping his hands. Ranmaru had been making him sleep with an extra pillow, meant to help him breathe better at night. At first, Tokiya wasn’t a fan of it, but he had gotten used to it at this point. 

“If you’re really goin’ back ‘t her place later, I’m keepin’ you on the mask all day.”

Ranmaru sticks to his word. 

He lets Tokiya off of it during lunch, but when Tokiya’s done eating he’s returned to the mask- though Ranmaru had moved the monitor to the living room so that Tokiya could at least watch the television on the couch. When Ranmaru sits with him, Misty jumps up on the couch, curling in between them. Ranmaru and Tokiya’s hands meet, as they both move to pet the cat, and she purrs, stretching out. 

Tokiya had, a few times, tried to take off his mask- and Ranmaru had stopped him every time. So when Tokiya realizes how late it has gotten, instead of taking off his mask, he takes out his phone to show Ranmaru the time. 

Ranmaru had gone out to get him a different phone- a real replacement, rather than the temporary flip-phone. Tokiya used his phone more now than he had before- with all of the different checkups he had gotten. And, admittedly, he looked at a lot of tweets, usually brought to his attention by Rika. Many weren’t pleasant. 

Ranmaru sighs, but he finally reaches out, to grab Tokiya’s tank before he takes off Tokiya’s mask. Tokiya switches to the tubing himself as Ranmaru begins to load the car with Tokiya’s supplies. 

When they get to her house, Ranmaru doesn’t let Tokiya unload anything from the car- instead choosing to escort Tokiya to the door. 

Rika answers when Ranmaru knocks, and Tokiya admittedly feels nervous. Ranmaru mistakes the nervous look for something else- perhaps assuming that Tokiya’s in pain, because he nods inside. “Go sit down Toki.” He turns to look at Rika. “Can I ‘ave a few words?” Ranmaru’s voice is 

Rika gives a stiff nod. Tokiya sits on the couch, but he can’t hear the conversation over his own breathing. He feels like a child of two divorced parents, with the _almost_ polite coldness between the two. 

A few minutes later, Ranmaru brings in the rest of Tokiya’s equipment, and Ranmaru looks at Rika warily. “You’re sure you wanna set it up?”

“I’ll get it.” Rika’s voice is sharp. 

“Fine.” Ranmaru ruffles Tokiya’s hair, and his voice is just a tad bit softer when he speaks to Tokiya. “Call me if you need me.”

“I will.” Tokiya promises quietly. Ranmaru glances once more at Rika, and then leaves her apartment. 

Rika doesn’t seem to be in a great mood, but she does set up the machine- on the couch. Tokiya had assumed that she would. 

Rika, once again, brings up the prospect of Tokiya working all through the night, but Tokiya finally speaks up at dinner. 

“Rika-” Tokiya’s breathing had been coming heavier. Heavier than that morning, even. He was _upset_. He was tired of being lectured about how he needs to stop being lazy and get back to work. “Ran told me it’s unlikely I’ll even be able to return at all. Let alone soon.”

“So you’re only going to listen to him?” Rika turns, and Tokiya’s breath catches. She had been making dinner- chopping vegetables, at the moment. But when she turns, frustrated, she points using the hand holding the knife, and Tokiya’s chest constricts with panic. She doesn’t realize as she continues. “Why does his opinion always matter more than mine?”

Rika steps closer to Tokiya, but looks surprised when Tokiya steps back, losing his balance and falling, knocking the tubing out of his nose and tipping over his tank. The land knocks the air out of him, and he can’t get it back, really starting to panic at this point. He’s wheezing, as he desperately tries to take breaths in and can’t. Rika seems frozen, not helping him, and in his panic-stricken mind Tokiya manages to remember the pump. As he moves, the hacking begins, and it nearly knocks him back. He only lets himself fall when his fingers reach around the mask, shoving it over his face with his shaky hand and pressing it against his mouth hard enough to hurt. 

Tokiya almost expects Rika to help. He thinks that maybe she’ll get over her shock and will take over trying to manually pump the air into the mask- but she doesn’t. Tokiya is left, trying to get in enough air between his coughing and his sobbing, choking when he pumps too quickly or too slowly, until he finally finds himself a rhythm, curled in on himself on the floor. 

His chest aches. It feels like there are needles, stabbing at the inside of it. His ribs were still sore, too, and between falling, lying on the floor, and even sleeping on the couch last night- his entire torso hurts. He feels miserable. 

When he finally regains himself enough to sit up, he does- but he keeps using the mask for another long moment, leaning against the wall. He feels upset, and tired. Rika finally approaches him, almost trembling. 

Tokiya lets the mask drop, but his breathing is audible, more of a wheeze than anything else. 

“I need to call Ranmaru.” Tokiya croaks. His voice is going to be hoarse for the next few days, he’s sure. 

“No, no, you’re fine.” Rika’s eyes widen, and she drops down besides Tokiya, cradling his face. “You’re fine. You got through it- you just need to lay down.”

Tokiya watches her tiredly. He can only imagine how terrible he must look- he’s likely pale, and he’s sure that his eyes seem dull. 

She hesitates, but then almost sheepishly admits to him, “You’re not going to be able to come back for a long time if he finds out about this, Toki.”

Tokiya gets quiet, but he brings back up the mask, using it to assist him for a long moment. He slowly lowers his mask, and his voice is weak. “Fine. But if something like this happens again, I have to call him.”

Rika’s voice is firm. “It won’t.”

It does. 

And it’s less than a half an hour later. 

Tokiya was sensitive, to people he cared about being angry with him. It had ten him ten of the thirty minutes to calm himself down enough to completely stop crying, and then Rika had been quiet. Rika’s seeming coldness had Tokiya on edge, and he still hadn’t gotten over his initial panic attack. It took no time at all for Tokiya to silently work himself up into another- and it took even less time for him to resort to the mask. 

It took him even longer to get off the mask long enough to call Ranmaru. 

Rika had been begging him not to, up to the call. 

“He’s going to think I’m not taking care of you.”

“He’s going to tell you that I’m bad for you.”

“Don’t do this to us, Tokiya.”

That last one had gotten Tokiya. And when he had taken off the mask to respond to it, he landed himself in a coughing fit. He was barely comprehensible when he spoke, but he still had to address what she had said. “He’s not _in control_ of me, Rika. Our relationship is up to us. But he can take care of me- better than you can and better than I can. It’s not because it’s _him_ , or because of how I feel about him- he’s a _doctor_ , Rika. Just because we’re dating doesn’t mean that he doesn’t know what is and isn’t dangerous for me to do.” Tokiya’s tears are angry, but they’re still streaming down his face. He has to return to the mask, because he’s working himself up too much. 

She doesn’t stop begging, and complaining to him until he’s actively calling Ranmaru. It’s nearing eight at night. 

“Toki?” Ranmaru’s voice is immediately serious. Tokiya isn’t surprised. 

“I had to use the hand mask.” Tokiya says. His voice is definitely shot, and he thinks Ranmaru can hear it. 

“Are you still _using_ it?” Ranmaru’s voice is careful, but Tokiya can hear him shifting. Likely grabbing things. Tokiya thinks he can hear keys. 

“I am.” Tokiya had been using the mask while he wasn’t talking. “I don’t know if I still really need it, but I’m afraid to stop.”

“Is it bad enough that you need an ambulance?”

“I don’t need a hosp-”

Tokiya gets cut off by Ranmaru. “The hospital ain’t a discussion, Toki. If it’s not ambulance bad, then I’ll head over there ‘t get you.”

“...I don’t need an ambulance.”

“Give me five minutes ‘n I’ll be there.”

Tokiya hangs up the phone, focusing on keeping his movements steady. 

“Did he say anything about it happening over here?” 

The question annoys Tokiya. 

“He was worried about me.” Tokiya says flatly, barely pulling the mask away from his mouth. “He only cared that it happened, not where or why.”

“Shouldn’t that have been his first question?”

“Are you in a place to judge?” Tokiya felt miserable. He really wanted to lie down and go to sleep. He wanted to be with Ranmaru- even if it was going to end with him going to the hospital. He just didn’t have patience for Rika right now. “I could have died, and you just stood there and watched.”

“I was afraid! I’m not a doctor! You said it yourself.” Rika is defensive. Angry. 

Tokiya just lets it drop, recovering his face with the mask. What was fighting going to do, beyond upsetting both of them?

There’s a sharp knock at the door, and Rika stills, freezing. Tokiya barely has the strength to stand, but he does anyway- opening the door just before Ranmaru knocks again. 

There are a lot of emotions that cross Ranmaru’s face, as he takes everything in. And then, his jaw tightens, and he reaches out, protectively, almost supporting Tokiya. “You’ve been using it wrong. That’s why it probably feels like it’s not workin’. It’s not. Sit down.” 

Rika is quiet as Ranmaru leads Tokiya back in, and back onto the couch. As soon as Tokiya is sitting again, Ranmaru takes the mask. Tokiya can tell that Ranmaru wasn’t lying- because when Ranmaru begins properly using the mask, Tokiya’s breathing issues lighten severely. “You’ve gotta hold it, babe. When you do it real fast you’re not giving yourself full breaths.” Ranmaru glances at Rika, but then focuses back on Tokiya, and his voice turns into a mumble. “It ain’t your fault, though. It’s fuckin’ hard to do this on yourself.”

Ranmaru waits until Tokiya’s breathing is steady enough that he isn’t wheezing without the mask and then Ranmaru moves to grab the oxygen tank across the room, to put Tokiya back on it. 

When Ranmaru speaks to Tokiya, it’s quiet. It’s not that he cares if Rika hears- but it’s not meant for her. “Toki, you’ve had two bad days- ‘n I know that in the scheme ‘a things it doesn’t seem like much but-” Ranmaru frowns, settling the plastic tube back into Tokiya’s nose and wrapping it around the back of his ears as he speaks. “You’re gonna be on the tank for an extra month, at least.”

Tokiya gets quiet. 

“D’ya feel alright enough for me ‘t load your stuff in the car?” Tokiya nods, and Ranmaru moves away from Tokiya, to gather his stuff from Rika’s apartment. Tokiya thinks he can see angry tears burning in Rika’s eyes. 

Tokiya imagines that in any other situation, she’d ask Ranmaru to leave her home. But in any other situation, Ranmaru wouldn’t be in it. 

Rika was right, Tokiya thinks. There’s no way that Ranmaru is going to let Tokiya come back over here for quite some time. Ranmaru’s quietly livid expression returns, however, when he notices that the machine is set up by the couch. He doesn’t say anything. He takes Tokiya’s items, and he brings them out to his car- returning shortly after to bring Tokiya with him. 

Rika had been silent the entire time. 

Ranmaru is extremely slow, taking Tokiya outside, and Tokiya has to lean heavily on him. Ranmaru waits until he’s got Tokiya buckled in to get in on his own side. He starts driving before he starts talking. “What happened?”

“I panicked.” Tokiya says quietly. He runs his hand through his hair, his eyebrows furrowing. “It was really stupid. She was cooking, and she had a knife in her hand and had turned to make a point and I lost it.”

“Wait- she pointed a knife at you?”

“Not exactly. It wasn’t… she wasn’t threatening me. There was distance between us, I don’t think she even thought about it.”

“Toki-” Ranmaru seems almost like he’s struggling with what to say, and then he sighs. “Look, it’s not stupid. Not that it’s right to wave knives around, period- but it’s her job as your girlfriend to watch out for ya. You’d be real fuckin’ careful with _her_ if she were hurt, right?”

“...Yes.”

“It should go both ways. Right now, you need ‘t be taken care of. You’re still hurt, Toki. If she can’t take care ‘a you, then you can’t stay over there. If she wants ‘t see you, I don’t mind if she wants ‘t come visit you at the apartment- but you’re not well enough to take care ‘a everything yourself ‘n obviously she can’t do it either.”

“...She asked me not to tell you. Because she said that you would say that.”

“She _what_?” Ranmaru glances to Tokiya, though his eyes move quickly back on the road. Tokiya can see his fingers flex against the steering wheel. Ranmaru sighs, trying to forcibly release his anger as he drives. “Thank fuck you did, anyways.” 

“...” Tokiya glances away from Ranmaru. “I… I let her convince me the first time. But I had another episode very shortly after that one, and that’s when I called you.”

This sigh is deeper, but his voice is resolved. “You told me, ‘n you’re gettin’ the attention you need. Let’s focus on that.”

Tokiya gets stuck back in the hospital for a few days. Tokiya and Ranmaru both knew that his lung hadn’t recollapsed, but Ranmaru was insistent on bringing him to the hospital because Tokiya had taken such serious steps backwards that he needed better equipment to start getting better again. 

For the next month and half, Ranmaru watched him closely. Rika didn’t like coming over to their apartment, so most of her contact with Tokiya was over the phone. 

After nearly two months of getting worn down by Rika- he finally listens. He’s doing much better. Well enough that Ranmaru is going back to work without being worried over Tokiya. And while Tokiya had a scare and a few bad decisions with Rika, he didn’t have the same issues when it came to Ranmaru. Ranmaru was good at not _letting_ him make dumb decisions. 

But Tokiya drove himself to Rika’s apartment after enough coaxing- and he listened to her spiel. About how Ranmaru was worried for him by worrying for his health, but she was worrying for him by being concerned with his _life_. 

Tokiya was _so sick_ of hearing about how he should return to work- and how he should do this for himself, and his fans, and his bandmates. About how STARISH hadn’t quite recovered and it was all his fault. 

And so, two days after talking to Rika, he was sat in a meeting room with the other boys of STARISH.

Syo and Masato were quiet, and Syo looked almost unsure. Natsuki and Cecil took the concerned stance. Otoya was sitting tall, and one glance at his face assured Tokiya that he was preparing himself to not let Tokiya win this, and Ren looked downright stern. 

“I’d like to return.” Tokiya folds his hands across the table. 

He should still be on his oxygen tank. That was in his closet at home right now.

“No.” Ren is the first to speak, and Tokiya frowns. 

“I’m better. If I start slow, I’ll get back to normal in no time.”

“Your boyfriend is a doctor, right?” Otoya is the next to speak up. He sounds firm. “If he tells us that you can come back, we’ll let you.”

“Isn’t me being here enough?” Tokiya sighs. 

“Your response makes it seem like he wouldn’t say yes.” Masato says grimly. 

“Shouldn’t it mean anything that _I_ am saying that _I_ feel well enough?”

“Your health is far more important than performing, Icchi.” Ren says disapprovingly. “This conversation was over before it was even started.”

Tokiya presses his lips into a thin line- but Ren wasn’t lying. 

The conversation was over. 

After reiterating what happened to Rika, she had suggested that his next plan of action be some solo work. He’d either prove that he’s fine, or he’d become an independent artist. 

Tokiya really didn’t like that- but he agreed. 

He lasted two weeks. 

Tokiya had only gone in for a few days when Ranmaru first approached him. 

“You’re breathing heavier.” It was an accusation. 

“Am I? I hardly noticed.” Tokiya was already starting to feel unwell, but he refused to let that on to anyone. Especially Ranmaru. 

Ranmaru’s disbelieving look makes Tokiya sigh softly. “Well, ‘m turning up your monitor tonight.” Ranmaru grumbles. “‘N you’re going on it, early, too.”

The next sign had been nearly a week in, because Tokiya had arrived home just after Ranmaru, and Ranmaru met him at the door with the tank Tokiya had shoved in the closet. Before Ranmaru had even spoke, he had offered the tubing to Tokiya, who silently took it and put it on. 

“‘N _why_ ‘ve you decided that you don’t need this?”

“I felt fine this morning.” Tokiya mumbles. “And it’s so bulky and awkward.”

Ranmaru’s eyes narrow. “Tokiya, you’re pantin’ like you just ran a race. Where were you?”

“I went to the park for a walk. I wasn’t out long.”

“If a short walk at a park is doin’ this ‘t ya, maybe we need ‘t limit your exercise time.”

“I’m fine. It was just hot.” Tokiya’s jaw sets, and he goes to move past Ranmaru. Ranmaru lets him, but his words have a dangerous tone. 

“Go lay down, Toki, ‘n put on your mask. If your breathin’ keeps getting worse we’re goin’ back to the hospital.”

Tokiya hadn’t responded. 

“Tokiya Ichinose.” Tokiya was stopped, walking back into the house. He had his oxygen tank on this time, a week after the last incident, but this clearly wasn’t what this was about. “Do _not_ fucking lie to me.” Ranmaru’s eyes narrow. “Are these true?” Ranmaru pulls his phone from his pocket, to show Tokiya the screen. 

It was a rumor- of _Hayato’s_ return. 

Ranmaru was very aware of Hayato. 

“They’re just rumors, Ran.”

“If you’re lying, Tokiya, I’m not gonna play around anymore. If I have to take off work for three months ‘t fuckin’ make sure you do _nothing_ but recover ‘n get a goddamn babysitter for when I’m not here ‘t make sure you’re fucking _safe_ , I will. I don’t want to breathe down your neck for the next year, but if it’s that or let you kill yourself, the decision’s real easy. ...You sure y’don’t wanna change your answer?” When Tokiya stays quiet, Ranmaru steps closer, and Tokiya’s almost surprised to feel Ranmaru’s hands move to his waist. Ranmaru’s voice drops and becomes softer. “I love you, Toki.” His comment is a reminder. “I know that this is all hard on you, ‘n I know you don’t feel good. ‘M not trying to make things harder on you- I just want ‘t make sure you’re staying safe, babe. I want you to listen to me, and be careful and have the best quality ‘a life that you can when you’re really healed. I know it feels like it’s been forever- but you’ve got a really serious injury. ‘M sure you’re sick of being reminded of that, but it could be somethin’ you deal with for the rest of your life. If you’re doing something dangerous, _tell me_. Please. Now- before somethin’ happens and it gets worse.”

Tokiya wants to deny. He wants to tell Ranmaru that everything is fine- but nothing comes out. Ranmaru gives him a long minute, but as he’s pulling away, Tokiya breaks. He holds onto Ranmaru’s shirt, his voice already strained. “Wait.” Ranmaru stills immediately. Tokiya holds onto Ranmaru, burying his head into Ranmaru’s shoulder. Ranmaru’s grip is light, because Tokiya’s breathing is even more labored now. 

“You can’t tell me that nothing’s wrong, Toki.” Ranmaru says gently. “Not when you’re this upset.”

“You’re going to be mad.” Tokiya’s voice breaks. “And I’m going to be in trouble.”

Ranmaru sighs. “You get immunity, Toki. You’re not exempt from all ‘a the recovery you’re gonna have ‘t do, but if ya tell me right now, ‘m not gonna get mad.” Ranmaru’s hand moves to pet through Tokiya’s hair without nudging the plastic tubing. “‘M not _lying_ to you, babe. I want you ‘t be healthy and happy. ‘N I’d like both ‘t be true at the same time, but your health comes first. But why don’t we sit down? You’re shaking.”

Tokiya was- he had spent all of his energy and then some. Tokiya just nods against Ranmaru’s shoulder. Ranmaru pulls away, and then leads Tokiya to the couch. Tokiya sits down heavily on it, but he leans against Ranmaru when Ranmaru sits down. 

It had been some time, since Tokiya had gotten close to Ranmaru. Because when Tokiya was this close, Ranmaru could feel how shallowly Tokiya’s chest was moving, and how difficult it was for him to take in air. 

“We need ‘t talk about this now.” Ranmaru says firmly. “But I wanna make it as short as we can ‘n expand later. You need to use the machine, _at least_. You really are gonna reaggravate something, if it’s that hard to breathe.”

Tokiya nods, but even as Ranmaru falls silent it takes Tokiya a long moment to speak. “...I know you’ve figured this out, but I have been working. I tried to rejoin STARISH, and they all denied me, so I returned to solo work.”

“Why? I know you liked workin’, ‘n maybe a ‘lil too much- but I hardly ever even heard you talk about getting back.”

“Rika had been talking about it from my first hospital visit. She was active in the fanbase, particularly the ones that _really_ wanted me to return. She’s been the one…” Tokiya wants to say ‘supporting’, but he doesn’t think it’s the right word. “Leading me through this. She’s been making suggestions and I’ve just been following them.”

“She’s been _what?_ ” Ranmaru looks livid, and Tokiya winces when his voice raises. Ranmaru can’t keep the anger from his voice or expression, but he shifts his hold on Tokiya- trying to wordlessly convey that the anger isn’t directed at Tokiya. “It just… I don’t get how she sees you like this ‘n doesn’t stop ‘t wonder if she should be encouraging you to do this.”

“What do you mean?”

Ranmaru glances down, a disbelieving expression on his face. “I know you can’t see yourself right now, Toki, but there’s no way you don’t feel like shit. You look _miserable_. _I_ regret not steppin’ in earlier.”

“You did, though.” Tokiya frowns. “I… I’ll be honest.” Tokiya’s voice breaks a bit, and he leans his head against Ranmaru’s shoulder, to try to avoid looking at Ranmaru. “I fell yesterday. I barely avoided them calling the paramedics. It’s why I looked so sick yesterday-” 

“What?” Ranmaru’s tone is strained- trying to keep as calm as he can manage with the news. 

“That… wasn’t the main point I was trying to make.” Tokiya ducks his head further. “My main point was that you had no idea that happened- and while I’m sure you had suspicions…” Tokiya stops, struggling with how to put his words. “I’m trying to tell you that I… I know I’m in a bad shape now, but I can’t imagine how much worse I’d be doing without you.”

“You’d definitely be in the hospital.” Ranmaru says grimly. “Or worse. But I’m not convinced that you shouldn’t be in the hospital right now.”

Tokiya gets quiet for a long moment. “I know.” Tokiya’s fingers curl into Ranmaru’s shirt. “I’m sorry.”

“Why didn’t you tell me about this, Toki?”

Tokiya’s pause is longer, but Ranmaru waits for him to speak. “I- ...I know I’m wrong. I know I shouldn’t have done this- but…” Tokiya has to pause, because when he tries to swallow it gets stuck in his throat, and he breaks into a coughing fit. When he’s finally done coughing, he’s nearly wheezing. 

“We’ll talk about this later.” Ranmaru mumbles. 

“No hospital.” Tokiya says, though his voice is hardly comprehensible. 

Ranmaru gives an almost irritated sigh. “I’ll put you on the mask ‘n watch you for the next few hours. If it gets any worse or it doesn’t get better, you’re goin’. No arguments.” 

Tokiya doesn’t say anything, but it’s an agreement. When Tokiya tries to stand from the couch, his knees give out and he ends up falling back onto it. When his new coughing fit ends, Ranmaru picks him up. For a second, Tokiya is worried that they’re heading to the car, but Ranmaru takes off Tokiya’s tubing and begins to head to the bedroom. Less than a moment later Tokiya is lying down with the mask fixed to his face. 

Ranmaru doesn’t leave the room, choosing to settle down next to Tokiya after turning the machine up to a level he deems acceptable, but when Tokiya reaches out, fumbling, Ranmaru grabs his hand and holds it. 

Tokiya ends up falling asleep, and he thinks that Ranmaru does, too. 

When Tokiya wakes up, he gets Ranmaru’s attention by sleepily stroking his thumb across the back of Ranmaru’s hand, and Ranmaru gives Tokiya’s hand a light squeeze. 

Ranmaru sits himself back up, letting go of Tokiya’s hand, to take off Tokiya’s mask. Tokiya watches him, but when the mask is off, Ranmaru’s hand moves onto Tokiya’s chest. 

Tokiya normally breathed from his diaphragm. It was a trick most singers had to use- but after he had gotten hurt, his breath often came shorter and from his chest. 

Ranmaru waits for a moment, before telling Tokiya his conclusion. “If you stay layin’ down, I won’t make you go to the hospital.”

“Do I have to be on the mask?” Tokiya’s voice is still a bit slurred from sleeping. 

“Later. But I’ll give you a break for now.”

“Is it because you want to talk more about earlier?”

“I’d like to. But not if it’s gonna make you panic. If I’ve gotta wait, I’ll wait.”

“I’ll be fine.” Tokiya sighs. 

“Alright. But let me grab your tank first.”

Ranmaru comes back a moment later, and he doesn’t even make Tokiya sit up when he fixes the tubing. Tokiya’s breathing wasn’t great- but the pain in his chest was just a bit less, and he wasn’t wheezing, at least. 

Tokiya does notice, however, that Ranmaru is holding the handheld mask. When Ranmaru returns to his side of the bed, he lays it on his bedside table. Ranmaru notices Tokiya looking. “Just in case. But if you get too worked up, I’ll stop you.”

“I’ll try to keep calm.” Tokiya says quietly. “Can I sit up?”

“Think it’d be better if you stayed like that.”

“Alright.” Tokiya relents. “...What was the last question you asked me?”

Tokiya expects Ranmaru to think about it, but Ranmaru’s answer comes immediately. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Oh.” Tokiya swallows hard, looking up at the ceiling. “...You don’t complain.” Tokiya’s voice is soft. “You’re never happy, when I do stupid things, and you’re… _persistent_ , when it comes to forcing me to do what I should have already been doing. But even when I don’t listen to you- I’ve yet to hear you complain. ...At least, not the way she does. Rika never drops it, if I don’t do things her way. But when you both have conflicting viewpoints on what I should be doing-” Tokiya’s eyes close. “I’d rather face the consequences of hiding things from you than to listen to her talk about nothing but how I never listen to her.”

“Toki-” Ranmaru’s voice is careful. “How do you feel about Rika?”

Tokiya can feel the tears burning his eyes, but when he closes them tightly, he manages to force the tears away. “I did love her.” Tokiya’s voice is miserable. “She’s lovely- when it’s just me and her and I can do what she asks of me without a problem. But it’s been really hard, Ran. I don’t think I’ve ever felt that she _cares_ that I’m hurt. All she cares about is my _status_ , and I wish I could find reasons to believe that I’m wrong about that. When you had to come to take me to the hospital- she just… she stood there. I had to take care of myself, and when I could finally _almost_ breathe, she was more concerned about me not calling you. She wasn’t concerned about _me_ , she was concerned about how she’d look to you. And she’s always jealous- even of you. ...Especially of you. She has such a low opinion of you, and she gets _angry_ , if I tell her no because she wanted me to do something that you told me I shouldn’t do. I just… I’m a whole mess of problems, and I would never blame anyone for not being able to handle that- but it’s as if she expects me to just be… perfect? I feel like I’m not supposed to be upset around her. That I’m meant to be independent and selfless and to completely forget myself so that I can focus on her and it’s- it’s _hard_. It was hard before I was hurt- but now that I am… it’s so hard to feel so bad, and to do things for someone who acts like they only care that you’re even alive for what you can do for them. She tells me she wants me to be an idol for me, but even you admitted that I hadn’t even spoke of it recently. And of course I miss being an idol- but it’s… it’s not easy to even want to be, when I’m in so much pain just sitting down. These last few weeks, I really might even believe that I’m dead, if I weren’t always in so much pain. And I don’t think she considers that. I think she wants me to be an idol so that she can tell people that she’s dating an idol.” Tokiya opens his eyes- and they’re shiny with tears but he’s managed not to shed any. “I’m sorry. I’ve never really felt right, talking to you about Rika- or to Rika about you. And maybe I’m not right to. I’m just… I’m tired, Ran. I don’t want Rika to be upset with me, and I don’t want _you_ to be upset with me even more. But she just… she makes me feel like shit, sometimes. I know that’s not necessarily a difficult feat- but I can’t…” Tokiya trails off, to turn his head. His voice is softer. Embarrassed. “She’s made me cry.” He admits numbly. “I can’t think of a single time where you’ve ever made me feel so bad about myself that I’ve cried. ...She’s just… she’s always so worried about her. And I’ve thought this for so long, and I’ve never given it any merit, because I _love her_. And if that meant taking her shit- then that’s what it was.” Tokiya gets quiet for a few seconds, and then he sighs. “So the reason I didn’t tell you was because I knew I’d face less hell from you than I would from her. I may hate it when you’re upset with me- but at least I know I _deserve_ it from you. I know I don’t deserve her anger- and it’s… harder to take it when I don’t feel like I deserve it.”

Ranmaru is quiet for a very long moment, and then he moves, his arm wrapping around Tokiya’s waist, squeezing him tightly. “Shit, Toki.” Ranmaru’s voice is quiet. “...I… fuck. Look… there’s… a lot I wanna say right now. ‘N I’m gonna bite my tongue right now because the last fuckin’ thing you need is any more conflicting opinions. So all I’m gonna say about this is that ‘m not mad. ‘N it’s beyond the whole immunity thing, too. Because of course I’m not happy you’re hidin’ things from me, ‘specially when it involves your health- ‘n I don’t want it happening again. For _your_ sake. You’re like a fuckin’ cat, Toki- but you’re not always gonna get lucky, playing with fire like you are. ...But you’re not in an easy situation.”

“Aren’t I?” Tokiya says tiredly. “You wouldn’t let yourself be treated like this.”

“You’re not me.” Ranmaru says sharply. “‘N I’m not gonna shame you for this. Honestly? Fuck her. That’s my opinion. But if you fuckin’ care about her, you’re gonna put up with shit. You said that you’ve gotta lotta problems, ‘n I can’t tell you you’re wrong. You’re a lotta work sometimes, Toki. ‘N if you were anyone else, I dunno that I’d be nearly as fuckin’ patient as I try ‘t be with you- but I love you, ‘n I get that it’s part ‘a you. It’s a part ‘a ya that I think we can _work_ on- but I love you enough to try ‘t stay calm ‘n handle it the best way that I can. ...I don’t think this situation’s the same- because I think she’s takin’ advantage ‘a the fact that you love her. But that’s not your fault. You care about her, ‘n you wanna make it work. Love’s fucked up, Toki. It makes you do things that you normally wouldn’t, ‘n sometimes it makes you do things that you _shouldn’t_ do. But you’re _sick_ , babe. ‘N going through emotional distress right now isn’t a good thing. Whether you end up stayin’ with her ‘n tryin’ ‘t really work things out ‘n get things better, or you decide that the only real option is for you ‘t leave ‘er- I don’t think you should decide that right now. Right now, I think you need ‘t just focus on your health. ‘N if you’re fine with it- I’d like ‘t propose how I think we can do that.”

“I trust you with my life.” Tokiya gives a weak smile, raising his hand to put it on Ranmaru’s arm, still around his waist. “Literally.”

Ranmaru snorts, his thumb moving, rubbing over Tokiya’s side. “‘S far as your health goes- ‘m gonna have ‘t take more time off.”

“Are you sure? Are you even able to?”

“‘S not easy.” Ranmaru admits. “But I’m a good enough doctor that they’ll take me back, ‘n I’ve managed ‘t save up enough that I can take some time off. Not quite FMLA but it’s fine.”

“We could get married.” Tokiya mumbles. “For paperwork sake.”

“Don’t tempt me.” There’s sarcasm in his voice- but there’s a hint of genuineness in there, too. 

“We could.” Tokiya insists. “If you’d want to actually marry me- we could. Go get legally married, and then when I’m better we could have an actual wedding. But our legal marriage could get you FMLA.”

“...You’re being serious?” Ranmaru’s voice is careful, though he shifts, moving away from Tokiya so that he can lean on his elbow and watch Tokiya’s face. His hand remains on Tokiya’s stomach. Tokiya can’t pick out any emotions on Ranmaru’s face. 

Tokiya’s face remains even. “I am.”

A teasing smile appears on Ranmaru’s face. “Y’know. I honestly wasn’t sure if I’d beat you in _proposing_ , but I can definitely say I didn’t think that you’d skip straight ‘t marriage.”

“You haven’t given me your answer, you know.” 

Ranmaru gives me an amused scoff. “Give me a second. ‘M gettin’ there.” Tokiya can see excitement, slowly showing through Ranmaru’s eyes. He finally removes his hand from Tokiya, to turn over and open his bedside drawer. “I _was_ tryin’ to figure out a good time ‘t do this- ‘n there’s been a couple ‘a things keepin’ me from gettin’ here. But I guess there’s not much of a better time ‘t do this.” When Ranmaru rolls back over, Tokiya’s eyes are immediately drawn to the box. It’s a simple black box- and when Ranmaru lifts the ring with his thumb, the ring is just as simple. It’s a thick silver band. “ _I_ was thinkin’ more of engagement.” Ranmaru’s voice is teasing. “But if we’re startin’ with legal, might make more sense ‘t already be wearin’ an engagement ring, right?”

There’s a _very_ soft expression on Tokiya’s face, and when he sits up, Ranmaru doesn’t stop him. When Tokiya throws his arms around Ranmaru’s neck, he manages to knock the box out of Ranmaru’s hand. Ranmaru chuckles, but he carefully wraps his arms around Tokiya. “I’d like to let you know that I would have said yes, no matter when you posed the question.” Tokiya’s still smiling. It’s been a long while since the last time he had been this happy. “And I’d also like to assure you that I absolutely want to marry you. I do hope you didn’t take the legality proposal in the wrong way.” 

Ranmaru clicks his tongue, “It wasn’t the most romantic proposition. But I didn’t take it like that.”

“Good.” Tokiya’s grinning. “I’m glad I brought it up, then.” Tokiya gets quiet for a few seconds, almost hiding his face in Ranmaru’s neck. His voice gets softer. “I needed this.” He admits. “I- I love you, Ran. You mean everything to me.”

“Y’know the only reason I’m so strict with you is because I don’t wanna lose you, right?” Ranmaru mumbles, his grip tightening, just a bit. “I’ve had that ring for a fuckin’ year, Toki. Was thinkin’ about gettin’ it for half a year before that, too.”

“I’d considered proposing, too.” Tokiya admits. “But I faced the same things you did, I think. Not sure about when the time was right- and it wasn’t as if we don’t already act like a married couple.” Tokiya’s voice turns teasing towards the end of his sentence. “And like I said.” Tokiya presses a very short, soft kiss to Ranmaru’s neck. “I do think we should get legally married- for the benefits. But when I get better, I’d like to plan an actual wedding- if you’d like to.”

“I’ll be honest, Toki.” Ranmaru finally moves, to make Tokiya lie back down. “I want ‘t marry you ‘t be married to you. ‘Course, I wouldn’t mind gettin’ a day special ‘t you ‘n me. ‘Specially if you want it- but it’s the meanin’ I care about more ‘n anything.”

Tokiya smiles up at Ranmaru, and when he reaches for Ranmaru’s hand, Ranmaru grabs Tokiya’s. “That’s sweet.” Tokiya’s smile gets wider- turning into a closed-eye smile. “I feel exactly the same way. But I do think a small wedding would still be nice.”

“Then that sounds like a plan.” Ranmaru takes the box, moving to set it back on his nightstand, but Tokiya reaches for it before he can. 

Tokiya gives a teasing grin. “Don’t I get the ring?”

Ranmaru goes just a bit red, but he scoffs playfully. “Demandin’ aren’t we?” Despite his words, he opens the box and takes Tokiya’s left hand, sliding the ring onto his finger. Ranmaru seems to almost admire the ring for a minute, with a very satisfied look on his face, and then he sighs, squeezing Tokiya’s hand. “Not ‘t totally ruin the mood- but what about Rika?”

“I’ll figure it out.” Tokiya sighs as well, closing his eyes. The tone had gotten more somber. Ranmaru places the box on the nightstand. “But I’m not taking back my decision. And I’m not letting you take back the ring.” Tokiya opens one eye, to stick his tongue out at Ranmaru as he closes his hand into a fist and pulls it to his chest. Ranmaru snorts. 

“Y’don’t gotta worry about me stealin’ it back, Toki.”

Tokiya lets out a satisfied ‘hmph’. 

Ranmaru settles back down, taking his previous position with an arm around Tokiya’s waist. “‘T get back on topic-” 

“We did derail a bit.”

“A little.” Ranmaru rolls his eyes, but then he sighs. “So… your health. We’re gonna have to go back ‘t square one, Toki. You were supposed ‘t be off of the tank months ago.” Ranmaru’s frown is deep. “‘N if we can’t get you steadily improving, you might have ‘t make another hospital visit. You’ve gotta quit your job.” Ranmaru’s voice is sterner. “You can’t go back. ‘M not even lettin’ you outta the house until we get your breathing back to a healthy level. If you get hospitalized again, Toki, they’re probably gonna have ‘t put you back on a chest tube.” Tokiya winces at the mention. “I want that as much as you do, babe. ‘S why I’m really tryin’ to make sure you’re alright.” Tokiya gives a slight, stiff nod. “‘N Rika.” Ranmaru’s voice is grimmer. “‘M not gonna stop you from talkin’ to her. But if she wants ‘t see you, she comes here. ‘N I don’t wanna be like a hovering parent, but I want you ‘t let me know if she starts tryin’ to convince you to go back.” Ranmaru’s jaw tightens, and he moves, setting his chin on Tokiya’s shoulder. “I… _imply_ a lot about this- ‘n I know I’ve said it outright a few times, too… but I want you _alive_ , Tokiya. If you die-” Ranmaru stops talking, but he doesn’t need to say more. “I know you feel shitty, but I don’t think you really get just how serious this is. The problem is that I can’t just… tell you ‘n have you understand. I can try to explain it- but even the scares haven’t really gotten through. You’re tough, babe- a little too tough. I just don’t want you to reach a point that you _can’t_ recover from.”

“Alright.” Tokiya’s voice breaks a bit, but he swallows hard. “I… I’ll listen, Ran.”

“I don’t expect this ‘t be easy. I just want you to _let_ me help. There’s only so much I can do without you talking to me.”

“I know.” Tokiya says quietly. “I’m sorry.” 

Ranmaru presses a kiss to Tokiya’s jaw. Tokiya’s breathing has become more unsteady as he becomes more upset, and Ranmaru gently rubs his stomach. “We’re done.” His voice is consoling. “We’ve covered what we need to. Just try ‘t breathe, babe.” 

“I think I need the mask.” Tokiya says weakly. “The tube isn’t helping.” 

Ranmaru sits up, but stills, his expression cautious. “Which one, Toki?”

“The night one.” Tokiya says quickly. “It’s not _that_ bad.”

Ranmaru reaches over him, to grab the mask. Tokiya takes the tubing out as he does, and then Ranmaru helps Tokiya put it on, keeping Tokiya down as he does. Ranmaru’s hand moves over Tokiya’s chest, trying to make sure he’s telling the truth about how bad it’s gotten- and after a few minutes Ranmaru settles down, content with Tokiya’s breathing, after it’s evened out. Tokiya reaches for Ranmaru’s hand, and Ranmaru takes Tokiya’s. 

A week later, Tokiya is doing well enough that the looming threat of going to the hospital has all but disappeared- and Tokiya’s willingness to listen to Ranmaru helps his case. 

Tokiya let the studio know that, for medical reasons, he wouldn’t be returning- which wasn’t a surprise after his medical scare on set earlier. 

He hadn’t told Rika- but she found out from the article, and she called Tokiya. 

Tokiya had tried to leave the room to speak to her, but Ranmaru had waved him down and had left the room instead. 

The conversation hadn’t gone well. 

Rika texted, for the next few days- asking if Tokiya were alone. And then, a few days into the texts, Ranmaru had left to go to the grocery store, and she had texted a few minutes after she left. 

When Tokiya had told her that he was, she told him that she was headed over. 

Tokiya had called Ranmaru, when it happened. 

“Is everythin’ alright?” 

Ranmaru had already been a bit nervous about leaving Tokiya alone- and Tokiya was sure that the call didn’t help. “It’s fine.” Tokiya says quietly. “I called to let you know that Rika is stopping by.”

“...’N you’re sure that’s a good idea?”

“She’s already on her way.” Tokiya sighs. 

“D’ya want me ‘t come home?”

“No, you don’t need to. You’d just have to leave again later if you came back now.”

“...Alright. If anythin’ happens, I’m a call away.”

“I know, darling. I’ll let you know.”

It’s only a few moments after Tokiya has gotten off of the phone when there’s an almost impatient knock on the door. When Tokiya opens it, she pushes past him. 

She’s upset. 

Tokiya assumed she would be. 

“Rika.” Tokiya greets, closing the door. 

“Tokiya.” Rika’s voice is tight, and when she turns, she looks hurt. “After everything we’ve set up for you- you just… left! And you haven’t even given me a good reason why!” 

“You saw the article, Rika.” Tokiya is trying, the best that he can, to remain calm. “I’m nowhere near healthy eno-”

“The _real_ reason, Tokiya.” She snaps. “It was Ranmaru, wasn’t it?”

“He knew it wasn’t healthy for me, Rika.” Tokiya frowns. “He’s just-” Trying to keep me safe, was what Tokiya was going to say. 

“A doctor.” Rika throws her hands up into the air. “I know!” She walks forward, to put her hands on Tokiya’s cheeks. “Don’t you see what he’s doing?” Rika moves her hands, and Tokiya’s eyes widen when she, rather harshly, removes the tubing. Once it’s off his face, she pulls, and the tubing snaps, parting from the tank. “He’s trying to control you! It’s been _months_ since you were attacked, Tokiya! I was there when the doctor told you that you only needed this for a month or two, and now it’s been… what? Six? Seven? At least! He keeps _threatening_ to take you to the hospital, right? But you’re not there! If you’re still so sick, why hasn’t he taken you? Why is he keeping you _trapped_ in your house? He’s trying to limit me seeing you because he knows that you’re _not sick_! He has you scared into thinking that you’re still sick, but you’re not anymore, Toki. That’s not love! He’s just… controlling you. He wants you to blindly listen to him, because you think he’s looking out for your health, but he isn’t. You like horror movies, right? This is just like one! He’s going to pretend like you’re hurt so he can pretend like he’s caring for you so that you’re always dependent on him. You told me that he said that you can never work again. But you can walk! You should have been off of oxygen! You went through a night less than a month in without your night machine and you were fine! And that was back in the beginning.” 

“What’s your point behind this?” Tokiya’s voice breaks. He hated _everything_ that she was saying. 

Tokiya didn’t believe it. Ranmaru wasn’t overbearing when he was first hurt. He was careful, and a bit hovering- but Tokiya had been _mugged_ and his lung had collapsed. It was such a serious injury that he needed to be on oxygen and he had a chest tube in. And the night he had been off of his machine had been miserable, and he still had the oxygen tank. He’s felt better, and then _he_ does something not recommended and then he feels worse. Ranmaru can’t make Tokiya feel negative physical repercussions. Especially the times when Tokiya felt bad and wasn’t with Ranmaru. The second time Tokiya went to the hospital, they took it just as serious as Ranmaru- and Ranmaru wasn’t privy to his medical treatment because he was too close to Tokiya to _really_ influence them. And… yes. Ranmaru was a doctor. And even at Ranmaru’s ‘clingiest’, Tokiya was stupid. Tokiya had put himself in a physical position bad enough that he could feel the pain from it. Even right now, it felt difficult to stand. But even if he were to stretch his imagination, he wasn’t on medication anymore, beyond the oxygen- because he was out of the painkillers and had used the antibiotics, so Ranmaru couldn’t be giving him anything else, under the guise of being his medicine. Ranmaru’s food always tasted the same, and Tokiya was very sensitive to taste. And besides- if Ranmaru were drugging his food, he’d be getting worse. Not better. 

Despite going through all of these facts in his head- Tokiya really didn’t need to. He loved Ranmaru. He trusted Ranmaru. He knew that Ranmaru wanted what was best for Tokiya. 

“You need to choose, Tokiya. I want you to come back with me, and leave Ranmaru. ...And if you won’t, we can’t be together.”

Tokiya’s choice was made the second she brought up the topic. He had taken his ring off, for the sake of not wanting to hurt her, or ambush her with it- but his answer lied with the ring in the pocket of his sweatpants. 

“Rika, do you really want to do this?”

“Answer me.” Her voice is tight. 

“...Why are you doing this to me?”

“For your own good!” 

“Really?”

“W-what?” At first, she’s caught off guard, but she grows defensive shortly after. “Of course!”

“Are you jealous of him, Rika?” Tokiya’s voice isn’t taunting, or even accusatory. It’s genuine. It’s… sad. 

“I’m trying to protect you!” She fumes.

“Rethink this, Rika, please.”

“Ranmaru and I both want different things for you. _I_ want you to be happy, and _he_ wants you under his control!” 

“Why do you think he wants to control me?”

“Ask him that! You’re an idol, Tokiya. He’s using you. He’s getting you to himself, and out of the limelight, so he can have you all to himself and take you away from us! The fans!”

Tokiya’s face falls. “Is that all you are, Rika? A fan?”

“Of course I’m a fan of you.” Rika seems almost a bit puzzled, despite how worked up she is. “I love you.” It doesn’t sound the same, when she says it. It doesn’t resonate the way it does when Ranmaru says it. Tokiya’s looking at it in a different way- the way she’s actually been saying it. 

“It’s idolization.” Tokiya’s voice is soft. Childlike. “You… you don’t love me.” This is the first time in the conversation when Tokiya can feel the tears burning his eyes. Without any help, his breaths aren’t coming easy. “You don’t love me.” He repeats numbly. “You love Tokiya Ichinose. You’re in love with who I act like I am- onstage. Aren’t you?”

“What are you talking about?” 

“That’s… you treat me the way I act onstage.” Tokiya’s choked laugh turns into a short coughing fit, but he can’t stop laughing. It’s nearly hysterical. “It’s not that you’re trying to _mistreat_ me! You think I am who I am onstage.” There are tears trailing down his cheeks, both from the emotions and the coughs in between his words. He finally calms down- but he was already walking on a thin line, and he’s crossed it. He lets out something akin to a choked wail, letting himself fall, to slide against the wall. He’s rambling. “You think I’m the prince that I pretend to be. You’re so caught up in the image of a fangirl dating her celebrity crush that you just… you don’t realize I’m… I’m _not_ perfect. So when I don’t act like your perfect image of me- you get… frustrated. Because that’s not who I am.” Tokiya shakes his head. “That’s why you hate Ranmaru. You’re not… you’re not _jealous_. You think he’s changing me. He’s… he’s not. You just… you’re realizing I’m not who you think I am.” Tokiya looks up at her, and her face is frozen in uncomfortable shock. “And you don’t like it. I can’t be with both of you, because I’m _myself_ when I’m hurt. And if I’m not with Ranmaru, I can pretend like I’m not-” Tokiya is wheezing, and shaking, and crying. “Rika, you’re wrong.” He sobs, hanging his head, even though it makes breathing even harder. “You’re wrong. And I’m sorry. It was my fault. You wanted me the way you thought I was, and I… I knew that. I gave you a false image of me, by going along with you, and I’m sorry. I’ve… I’ve been taking everything you’ve been doing in… I thought you were doing it selfishly, but you… I didn’t let you know better. I’ve been terrible, because I was _wrong_. I’m sorry, Rika.” Tokiya’s voice breaks. “I choose Ranmaru.”

There’s no noise. He thinks she might be crying- but she just… leaves. 

Tokiya stays on the ground for a moment, before it finally gets too much. He fumbles for his tubing, putting it on before remembering that it isn’t connected. He doesn’t take it out. He stumbles to the bedroom, but he trips over the carpet in the doorway, smacking his head against the wood at the end of their bed, and he stays on the floor for a long moment, crying hysterically. When he finally pulls himself up, he grabs the mask, sitting on the bed for a second. 

Even as he rapidly pumps the handle, he hears Ranmaru’s voice in his head, reminding him to do it slowly. He doesn’t. 

There’s so much going through his head. 

He gets up, after a minute, using the wall to stand up. The disconnected plastic tubing drage behind him. He makes his way to the fridge, nearly falling when Misty moves, meowing at his feet. She’s trying to get his attention. He wonders if she knows something’s wrong. 

Tokiya gets into the fridge and digs through the bottom shelf- grabbing one of the three cans of beer towards the back. Tokiya was a comfort drinker- but the beers were for Ranmaru. Every once in a while Ranmaru would get in the mood for one. Before Tokiya was hurt, Ranmaru would sit on the couch and drink a beer while they watched something, and Tokiya often stole a few sips. 

Tokiya closes the fridge and goes to lean against the counter. Some of the beer spills onto the counter he set it on and the hand that he used to open it, the other hand holding onto the mask he was still pumping. 

He’d get enough air into his lungs for a breath, and then he’d take a drink of beer. He’d wait a second, for the cough or the sob that would accompany the removal of the mask, and then he’d replace the mask to start the cycle again. It’s a slow process- and he only gets four gulps in when the door opens. 

“Tokiya?” Ranmaru’s voice is already serious, calling out over the click of the door closing. He must see the tank. It was still in the entryway. 

Ranmaru is in the kitchen less than a few seconds after Tokiya starts his round of coughing, and Tokiya can see his eyes moving quickly over Tokiya. His eyes land first on Tokiya’s forehead, and then to the mask, to the can in his hand and then to the tubing, dragging on the ground. There was a wall between the kitchen and the entryway, but Tokiya could still tell that Ranmaru hadn’t even brought in any bags. Tokiya wonders if Ranmaru expected that this would go poorly.

Ranmaru didn’t slow, even when he had gotten in the kitchen. He had taken Tokiya in within the few feet it took to get in front of him and the first thing Ranmaru does is take the can from Tokiya’s hand and toss it in the sink. He’s quick, but careful, with taking off the useless tubing and he tosses it away from them, and then he takes the mask and covers Tokiya’s mouth with it, beginning to properly use it. He has to pull it away every other pump, because Tokiya is still sobbing. Ranmaru’s hand is cradling the side of Tokiya’s face. Tokiya can see genuine fear on Ranmaru’s face, and Ranmaru presses his forehead against Tokiya’s, still holding the mask. Ranmaru’s hand moves to the back of Tokiya’s neck, but the position is a bit awkward, because Ranmaru’s pressing his forehead just far enough away from what Tokiya assumes is a bruise, to keep it as painless as he can. Ranmaru stays there for a long few moments, and Tokiya finally stops sobbing, moving to silent cries and trembles. Without the can or the mask, he’s desperately gripping onto Ranmaru’s shirt. 

Ranmaru finally pulls away, but the panic in his eyes is only very slightly gone. Tokiya sees blood on Ranmaru’s forehead, and numbly reaches up to touch his own before Ranmaru catches his hand. “Don’t touch it. We need to go to the hospital.”

Tokiya pushes Ranmaru’s hand away, getting the mask far enough off of him to speak. “Wait-” Tokiya’s voice is shot, and the absolutely terrifying look on Ranmaru’s face almost gets Tokiya to stop talking. 

Almost. 

“I want to talk about it before we leave. Please.” Tokiya’s begging. But despite the begging, he does have to pull Ranmaru’s hand closer, and despite Ranmaru’s anger, he automatically resumes pumping the mask. 

“You’re bleeding, you can’t breathe, and I walked in on you _drinking_ , Tokiya. You’re fucking lucky I don’t call an ambulance. Everything about you’s important, but there’s no working on your mental health if you’re fucking dead, Tokiya. You can’t even breathe on your own. We’re going _now_.”

Tokiya wants to try to argue, but Ranmaru expects Tokiya to try to push away his hand and he doesn’t let him. 

It isn’t that Tokiya _wants_ to avoid the hospital. Well… he _does_ , but that’s not why he’s trying to be insistent. He doesn’t want to relive these feelings, trying to tell Ranmaru later. He doesn’t want to get hysterical again. 

Ranmaru’s denial sends Tokiya into another wave of sobs, and his knees give out on him. Tokiya hears Ranmaru curse, catching Tokiya before he hits the ground, but not early enough to stay standing to do so. Ranmaru sits back down, pulling Tokiya onto his lap, resuming his on and off pumping again. “Ambulance it is.” Ranmaru mutters. He shifts Tokiya, to lean him against his chest, using his other hand to grab his phone. Tokiya barely listens to Ranmaru’s call, because his chest feels like it’s ripping apart. 

When Ranmaru gets off of the phone, his hand moves to the back of Tokiya’s head. He mumbles to Tokiya, reassurances to try to get Tokiya to calm down- and Tokiya can’t even understand what he’s saying, but the soothing tone to his voice helps Tokiya cull his sobs until Ranmaru no longer has to pull the mask back. 

Even when Tokiya’s breathing gets a bit steadier, Ranmaru doesn’t stop. He doesn’t let up until the medics get there, and then the paramedics take over for him. 

After Tokiya is loaded into the ambulance, Ranmaru speaks to the paramedics- and he is given a ride in the front of the ambulance. He isn’t allowed in the back- but Ranmaru hadn’t asked, either.

Tokiya ends up losing consciousness, in the back of the ambulance. 

When he wakes up, to his dismay, he realizes that Ranmaru was right. They’ve put another chest tube in. 

“Your lung collapsed again.” Ranmaru says quietly, only a minute after Tokiya wakes up. Ranmaru must have noticed the changes in the monitors as he woke up. 

“I’m sorry.” Tokiya croaks. 

Ranmaru sighs. “I have no idea what made you freak out like that- but I dunno that it’s your fault.” Ranmaru’s jaw flexes, and then he sighs, his eyes closing. He looks exhausted. 

“You were really mad at me.” Tokiya only remembers bits and pieces from before he had passed out- but it was enough to already send a flare of panic through his chest. 

“I was scared, Toki.” Ranmaru’s eyebrows furrow. “I don’t hold it against you. ‘M not sure what happened- but I dunno that you were in a… _sane_ state ‘a mind.”

“It was bad.” Tokiya says quietly. “I can’t tell you now.”

“I wouldn’t let ya.” Ranmaru says, almost a bit flatly. “I wanna hear about it, but not ‘til you’re outta the hospital. ‘N not ‘til you can say it without freakin’ out. I don’t want a repeat of that.” Ranmaru rubs his face with his hands. 

“How long have I been out?”

“Five days. They weren’t sure how long it was gonna be ‘til you woke up.”

Tokiya’s eyes widen, his hand tightening on the sheet. He swallows hard, and is almost surprised at the intense pain when he does. “Shouldn’t I be on a mask?”

“You’ve got a tube. They only switched ya out within the hour.”

“...My throat really hurts.”

“It should.” Ranmaru frowns. “The first day, when you passed out, they had ‘t stick a tube through your neck, ‘t try to get air into your lungs. Luckily the chest tube worked, ‘n they didn’t need ‘t put you through surgery.” Ranmaru sits up, when he notices Tokiya’s face contort, and he stands, carefully pressing a hand to the side of Tokiya’s cheek. “Hey, hey.” Ranmaru’s voice gentles. “You’re alright. ‘S all good news, Toki. I know you’re hurtin’, babe, but I need you ‘t stay calm.”

Tokiya winces when he swallows hard again, but he manages to calm himself back down. Ranmaru squeezes Tokiya’s leg before he sits back down. “...How badly was I bleeding?” He distinctly remembers the blood on Ranmaru’s forehead when he pulled away from Tokiya. 

“Y’needed stitches ‘n you gave yourself a concussion. ...What happened?” 

“I tripped and hit my head on the end of the bed.” Tokiya mumbles. 

Ranmaru sighs, but he nods. 

“How long have you been here?” Tokiya asks, his voice softer. 

“‘Ve been workin’ a little bit, ‘n I’ve spent most ‘a the rest of my time ‘ere. Figured I’d help around ‘t get a few hours.”

“Is this your hospital?”

“Yeah. It is.”

“...Have you been overworking yourself?”

The exasperated look Ranmaru gives Tokiya makes Tokiya give him a weak smile, and then Ranmaru clicks his tongue. “‘M fine, Toki. ‘Ve been catchin’ naps in the spare bed.” 

Tokiya glances over, and the other bed does look slept in. “Aren’t those for patients?”

“Normally, yeah. But you’re an idol. You’re not gettin’ a roommate.”

“Previous idol.” Tokiya mumbles. 

“Doesn’t matter. They’re still not puttin’ anyone in here with ya.”

Tokiya hums, and then for a second, his heart stops. 

Ranmaru’s head turns towards the monitor as Tokiya’s heart really does skip a beat. Tokiya’s breath of relief is audible when Tokiya raises his left hand and sees the ring. 

“It fell on the floor when we were sittin’ on it. Found it while they were loadin’ ya onto the stretcher, ‘n I figured you’d want it back.”

“I did.” Tokiya gives Ranmaru a small smile, bending his hand to brush his thumb over the band. “Thank you.”

Ranmaru grunts. 

“I… know I just woke up, but I’m exhausted.” Tokiya admits. “And you look really tired, too.”

“I’ll take a nap if you do.”

“You _could_ take a nap at home.”

“‘S much easier ‘t just sleep here. You’ll be home in two or three weeks. I’ll sleep at home then.”

Tokiya sighs, but he decides early on that arguing with Ranmaru is pointless, and he just closes his eyes instead. 

It takes two and a half weeks, but it only takes two more days to remove the tube from his chest. He does find himself on the mask for a lot of his hospital stay once the tube has been removed, and his head is almost completely healed by the time he’s left. 

It’s almost a week after he gets out when Ranmaru finally lets Tokiya speak about what happened.

“If you start gettin’ upset, I’m stopping this.” Ranmaru warns. 

“I know.” Tokiya says quietly. He’s lying in bed, connected to his oxygen tank. He had been on and off of his mask all day, as he had been in the week prior. He breathes out slowly, trying to keep himself calm. “She came over after asking if I were alone. She was trying to tell me that you were controlling me- that you were pretending like I was sick so that you could control my life, and that you were lying to me and that I wasn’t actually hurt. She was convinced that you didn’t want me being an idol because you wanted me to yourself. That’s why she ripped the tube out of the oxygen tank.” Tokiya hasn’t gotten overly upset at this point. He wasn’t happy about this, but - “I didn’t believe it, obviously. But then she told me I needed to choose.” Tokiya’s voice drops, softer. Returning to the childlike tone. “I realized that I was wrong about her.” Tokiya’s eyes burn, but he closes them. He can feel Ranmaru watching his face. “I don’t think she meant to act the way she had towards me… It… It was the same as it’s always been, my entire goddamn life. She forgot I was a real person. I was her idol- and I didn’t exist beyond the stage. It… hurts. It hurts so bad, Ran.” Tears trail their way down Tokiya’s cheeks, but he’s forcing himself to keep breathing. “I loved her, and she saw me as… as Tokiya Ichinose. As Hayato. As someone that I’ve never really been. And that’s how _everyone_ looks at me. It makes me feel like I’m not human.” Tokiya swallows hard. “...And that’s why I chose you. That’s why I’d always choose you. Sometimes I don’t know… _how_... but you like _me_. You don’t like Hayato, or the Tokiya I turn into when I’m on stage. You’re not _star struck_ by me and you don’t expect more than I can give you. That’s why I want to marry you, and that’s why I want to stay with you for the rest of our lives.” Tokiya reaches for Ranmaru’s hand, and Ranmaru takes Tokiya’s, squeezing it tightly. Tokiya gives him a teary-eyed smile. “When you tell me you love me, I believe you. ...So I hope you believe me when I tell you that I love you, too.”


End file.
